Boy, have I wrestled with sovereignty.
God is in control. Jesus is on the throne above it all. This situation is in God’s hands. All comforting statements, right?
Well, not for me a year ago. These kinds of statements used to haunt me. These kinds of statements used to lend my heart to bitterness and anger towards the
Lord. These kinds of statements used to send me into a literal panic.
God’s sovereignty was only comforting to me when He used it to accomplish my will. When I felt this uncertainty or this feeling that my desired outcome wasn’t going to happen, it revealed a lot in me. Idolatry. Pride. Distrust. So, how do you overcome this? How do you get to the point where you are like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane praying “not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). I haven’t arrived when it comes to this topic of trusting God’s sovereignty, but I have learned the hard way what happens when you don’t. So, as you read my story and what I’ve learned I hope it teaches your heart to trust God more than it did before you clicked on this blog post.
All right, I guess it’s story time.
My struggle
As I mentioned, it was a year ago that I really struggled with God’s sovereignty. There was something in my life that I desperately wanted God to do or to give me. Whenever I would pray for God to do this thing and get the sense that He wasn’t going to do it, that led me to lots and lots of tears, fear, anxiety, not eating, not doing anything productive, and just flat out spiraling. At the time I couldn’t imagine my life or myself apart from this thing. On top of all of this, I was upset with God. At any sign of my will not happening I would throw up a bitter
prayer to God, through gritted teeth.
“I hope You’re happy God, looks like You got what You wanted.”
I never verbalized this but my view of God at the time was probably that of a sadist or masochist. I thought that God didn’t want to do this thing in my life just because I really wanted it and because it would make me happy. I thought He was withholding good from me.
Furthermore, this thing came between my intimacy with the Holy Spirit. I remember telling God that it felt like the closer I got to Him meant the further I got from this thing I wanted, and I didn’t like that. So, I didn’t want to be in tune with the voice of the Holy Spirit out of fear of what He might say, which was “no.”
And just to clarify, this thing I wanted wasn’t inherently sinful. I was asking God to bring together and bless something in my life. He totally could have done it. It wouldn’t have been hard for Him. It could have even glorified Him. But God, in His sovereignty, ultimately said “no.” I didn’t get this thing I wanted. I was crushed. I felt depressed. I was broken. It felt like God ripped this thing from me, and I didn’t have a choice but to accept it.
Then, sometime later I caught news about this thing I wanted so badly. Had I known this information, I never would’ve wanted this thing to happen as much as I did. And you know what my first reaction was? It was that I should’ve trusted God all along.
What I learned
I think that often our wrestle with God’s sovereignty is a wrestle of trust. This situation showed me that I didn’t trust the God that was in control of it. I knew intellectually that something being in God’s hands were the best hands it could be in. However, I didn’t know that truth on a heart level.
So, how do we trust the God that is over all things? By getting to know who He is and really meditating on those truths. Let’s talk a little through two truths I wish I would’ve clung onto tightly during this time.
God is the Most Wise
Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD,
or what man shows him his counsel?
Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding?(Isaiah 40:13-14)
God is not like man at all. From an early age we need people to teach us. As we grow older we need people to counsel us and to give us advice. However, this scripture points to this idea: when has the Lord ever needed to be taught or given advice? And who is smart enough to give God counsel? The answer is never and no one. You know why? Because God is the wisest Being there is. Out of His wisdom He literally founded the earth (Proverbs 3:19). Who is wise like our God?
Okay so God is wise. Great. But how does this relate to His sovereignty? Well, if someone is going to be in control over the entire earth including your life, wouldn’t you want it to be the wisest person there is? When I was struggling with this situation, I had this pride thinking that I knew better than God. That’s why surrender was so hard – because I thought I knew exactly how things should go. In my heart I thought my will was better than God’s and that this situation was
better off in my hands. I failed to realize that in space and time I do not know all that there is for me to know. No matter how deep your desire runs it is important that we remember we don’t know it all. We never do. We as humans never have the full picture as God does, and in knowing the whole picture, God, in His wisdom, decides what the course of things should be.
So, if I could go back I would humbly recognize that God is infinitely more wise than me and submit to His wisdom. Even if that came with pain or temporary loss because God knows what He’s doing.
God loves Me
…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
Okay, so up to this point we know that the God who is sovereign also is the Most Wise. But the truth or characteristic that helps me most with trusting in His sovereignty is His love for me. We see God’s love demonstrated the most obviously through the Gospel.
That while we were spiritually dead and enemies of God He sent us Jesus. Jesus lived the life we could never live, one of sinless perfection. Jesus died the death we deserved on the cross. And three days later Jesus rose from the dead. By placing our faith in what Jesus did we are saved. We have a future and hope that after this life we will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. We are accepted into God’s family. We are new creations with fresh starts, our past no longer defines us. It’s dead and buried. We live with full confidence that one day we will stand before a holy God not condemned, all because of His Son! Wow. What a God! That doesn’t even scratch the surface. I will live my entire life learning the great implications of the Gospel.
But again, this is all amazing but how does this relate to sovereignty? It’s comforting to have someone extremely wise in control however it’s even more comforting when that person loves you. And loves you enough to die for you even though you didn’t deserve it. God’s great love shown in the Gospel is the basis of our trust in every move He makes. Sometimes His sovereignty will hurt us, frustrate us, or feel confusing. But the cross reminds us how deeply He cares for us. He’s already used His sovereignty to save us, will He not continue to use His sovereignty for our ultimate good?
What trusting God’s sovereignty looks like for me now
So, a year later, where am I now with God’s sovereignty? As I mentioned earlier, I haven’t arrived or graduated from trusting His sovereignty. However, through learning things the hard way, something shifted in me.
I want to live a life that trusts God’s character through every situation. Nothing is ever lost when you decide to trust who He is through it. There has since been situations in my life I felt God leading me to that came with some hardship or some things that wouldn’t have been my first choice to deal with in life. But honestly after not trusting in His plans and His sovereignty in this past season, I realized that whatever His will is, that is what I want to live in. Even if it comes with hard or frustrating things. The best place I can be is His will and trusting in His wise and loving sovereignty.
I’ll leave you with this sweet moment. In church we were singing this song called “Crowns Down” by Josh Baldwin, and the chorus says, “holy holy holy is the Lamb upon the throne…” As I sung that, in my heart I just thought, “perfect
is the One who is in control.”
Whatever that thing is that makes His sovereignty hard for you right now I urge you to draw your comfort from who God is. Because of who He is we will be okay. You will be okay.
Overwhelmed 