Hushed whispers. Glances and facial expressions to one another that say a lot more than words. Stopping mid-sentence and saying, “oh, I really shouldn’t say.” It all sounds a little like our familiar and very notorious friend gossip.
Gossip is a topic I’ve discovered is very sensitive to the modern person. There are cases in which we may argue that not allowing “gossip” results in continuing abuse or unhealthy patterns within a community. And there are other cases in which we may find “gossip” to look more like sharing a secret or conflict with others outside of the parties involved.
With a diverse range of contexts for and opinions on gossip, you may have found yourself asking, “So where is the line?” If we all vaguely know some gossip is not good, where do we say it’s fine or even necessary? Is it ever necessary? And is it always bad?
What is Gossip Anyway?
Gossip and slander are often used interchangeably, but, surprisingly, people often disassociate the two in everyday conversation. Slander is a legal term as much as it is a common word. It involves making false and damaging statements about someone with the intent to harm their reputation, specifically verbal statements (“Gossip vs Slander (What’s the Difference?)”). Gossip, as defined by Engdic.org, is “informational or casual conversations about other people, often involving unverified or trivial information.”
But I offer another definition.
John Piper defines gossip excellently this way, “Derogatory information about someone that you have that is shared with others in a tone of confidentiality, that is not motivated by doing good to them, and that you are enjoying in a way that shows your heart is not humble.” I would also add it can often revolve around complaining.
Humility? Derogatory information? Shared in confidentiality? That makes it a lot more serious than everywhere I’ve seen it. In several sources it seems that the difference between slander and gossip is that slander is harmful and gossip is not intentionally harmful.
“And gossip isn’t always true!” people cry.
Is that what our experiences say?
Have you ever heard other people talking negatively about you? If you have, you know the feeling. You feel vulnerable, exposed. It feels like when people talk about you, it gives them the right to share opinions on what you should or should not do or whether they agree with what you’re doing now. Even if it’s “trivial” talk, it can bring anxiety and insecurity, making you watch over your every move to avoid being the next topic of conversation.
In doing some research on gossip, I found that many sources use celebrity gossip as an example. We laypeople tend to see this kind of gossip as relatively minor and even harmless. Discussing the details of celebrities’ personal lives can’t be that bad – I mean, they did choose to be in the public light. But how often do celebrities try to keep their personal lives private (“These 17 Celeb Couples…”; “29 Celebrities Who Have…”)? How many celebrities report that constant attention as extremely harmful (“Celebrities are People…”; “Celebrities Mental Health…”)? Has it not often resulted in serious damage (“Celebrity Gossip…”)?
And not only are our experiences with gossip negative, the Bible has words against it as well.
The Fruit of Gossip
“Whoever goes about slandering
reveals secrets;
therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.”
(Proverbs 20:19)
At first glance, this looks like it’s talking about the slander we discussed earlier. The legal term, the one about intentional harm. Which is an accurate description. But the meaning does not seem to be limited to “I want to harm this person by saying xyz.” Here, the Hebrew word also means “talebearer, informer, or scandal-monger,” meaning it involves sharing information whether true or untrue, most likely without permission. Said “information-giving” is also associated with the phrase “simple babblers.” The word “simple” here can also mean “foolish” or “lacking wisdom.”
Just to back track… slander in this text – or whispering in some translations – is the giving of information whether true or untrue that is told or known in confidence with an intent that lacks wisdom, which is a category “gossip” today can often fall into.
Okay, so it’s foolish to gossip – or share secret or not-so-secret-but-personal information – but is it harmful?
“A dishonest man spreads strife,
and a whisper separates close friends.”
(Proverbs 16:28)
Whisper as I mentioned before is another word for gossip (slander). However, it is also connected to complaining or grumbling. It’s used in Deuteronomy 1:27 when Israel is complaining against God. So from this, we see that the Bible links gossip in close association with complaining and causing division and conflict in relationships.
It doesn’t stop there.
In Romans 1:29-30, when Paul lists the evil habits of those who reject God, gossip and slander are right there in the list . In 2 Corinthians 12:20, the same connection is made .
1 Timothy 5 warns that gossips – those caught up excessively in the affairs of others – “say what they should not” and even mentions it can lead to straying away from God (5:13-15).
Gossip hits us deeply as it says in Proverbs 26:22.
It causes relational separation (Proverbs 17:9).
And as Ray Ortlund says, “it erodes trust and destroys morale. It creates a social environment of suspicion where everyone must wonder what is being said behind their backs and whether appearances of friendship are sincere. It ruins hard-won reputations with cowardly but effective weapons of misrepresentation. It manipulates people into taking sides when no such action is necessary or beneficial. It unleashes the dark powers of psychological transference, doing violence to the gossiper, to the one receiving the gossip and to the person being spoken against. It makes the Body of Christ look like the Body of Antichrist – destroyers rather than healers. It exhausts the energies we would otherwise devote to positive witness. It robs our Lord of the Church he deserves. It exposes the hostility in our hearts and discredits the gospel in the eyes of the world.”
Yikes, big words against gossip.
It also encourages pride.
We have been trained to live without uncertainty. A quick internet search, constant news updates, cameras recording when we’re not physically there. We have many ways to know the unknowable. And there is a healthy desire for learning. God has placed in us a desire for knowledge that is right and good (Proverbs 2:6). But this desire for learning can quickly become information gluttony. Having an excessive interest in and discussion of the affairs of others – AKA gossip – is the desire for knowledge we do not need. We may hope to increase certainty and relieve anxiety by “being in the know” but is that ever really the case? Does having the knowledge of what is going on in the lives of everyone in our small group, church circle, friend group, or job really help us in any way? Or does it simply cause more anxiety, judgment, and complaining?
There are times in which it is beneficial to speak out and be involved in situations. A lack of gossip is not turning a blind eye to abuse or toxicity. But we must evaluate what the spirit behind our information sharing is. Is it a negative spirit more bent on hurting than helping others or one that is genuinely seeking restoration and healing? Is it prideful about being both able to know and inform others of a secret or one that only seeks to reveal what is necessary to help?
We’ve all had our own experiences of gossip, and we’ve explored the scriptures’ take on gossip. Now, let’s explore how the Bible explains God’s feelings about gossip.
God and Gossip
“Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly
I will destroy.
Whoever has a haughty (or prideful) look and
an arrogant heart
I will not endure.”
(Psalm 101:5)
Very harsh words against gossip coming from God. And it doesn’t stop there. In a list of what is detestable to God, slander and “sowing discord” – which we’ve seen is a result of gossip – make an appearance. We also see in James the dangers of not holding our tongue (James 1:26). Jesus reminds us in Matthew that we will give an account to every word we say (Matthew 12:36). Gossip by no means will be left out.
Why am I hitting so hard on this? Because in the Church world, this is horribly common. We call it getting advice, we call it needing to vent, we call it sharing a prayer request, or maybe we simply don’t acknowledge or excuse it at all. I know because I’ve witnessed it. I know because I have been a part of it. We know when we’re doing it too. You (yes, you) know exactly what I’m talking about. But there’s good news in the remedy for gossip.
The remedy is love.
Acknowledging that God so loves us that He sent Jesus to die for us moves our hearts to humility. It moves our hearts to – out of care for others – step away from harmful conversations. It moves our hearts to recognize we don’t need to be “in the room where it happens” because we’re already at the table with Jesus. It moves our hearts from complaining about others to praising God for His grace. And it encourages healthy discussion to bring about correction and restoration.
*I did not get to practical tips in this article, but would love to leave you with aids on how to determine gossip from helpful discussion and correction. Below I’ve listed several resources that give great questions to ask yourself when faced with such a situation*
Resources for Practical Tips
- This article gives 3 helpful questions to check your heart behind sharing – “Why Does Gossip Feel so Good?” by John Piper
- These both have more questions to help you work through what is gossip – “Six Questions to Diagnose Subtle Gossip” by Paula Marstellar and “Questions to Ask Before We Gossip” by Steven Witmer
Resources I Used for the Article
- “A God Greater Than Google” by Marshall Segal
- None Like Him by Jen Wilkin
- “What Does the Bible Say About Gossip” by OpenBible
- “Gossip vs Slander (What’s the Difference?)” by Engdic
- “What is Gossip?” by John Piper
- “Gossip” by Ray Ortlund
